Teeth for the

Mail Order Dept.

By Harold Short

[N the dawn of the reign of L Shubet, no registered dentist dwelt in the Land of Sopure, ilthough all the inhabitants had eeth, some more and some better

han others. m .

Those of Mr. Twisel and his spouse f ere few and worse, so when it was toised abroard that a Tooth-Exactor was due on the monthly teamer, they canoed to the capital nd waylaid him at the wharf.

By private treaty he drew every Doth, then promised to return with rax, and later present each with hirty-two teeth on plates.

The Twisels’ jaws healed rapidly, ardening month by month, but no lessage came from the molar-man.

One day Mr. Twisel read in her ivourite journal that a right-up- )-date firm was replacing teeth by orrespondence.

Applicants must send £lO for one

wad of impression wax; or £l9/9/9 for two wads, later to be exchanged for 64 teeth on plates, The two Twisels were tremendously impressed by this idea and posted to the southern city the necessary money. In six weeks time the wax , stuck by heat to a sheet of instructions, was delivered by the monthly coastal ship, * * On another sunny day, shortly afterwards, two pals, Percy and Valentine, arrived in a truck from the hills, decided to call on the Twisels.

When nearing the homestead they saw Walo, the venerable house-boy, moving aimlessly and agitatedly around a clearing among trees, fol lowed by his wife, Gaba-Lua, with tousled hair, and arms waving from the elbows.

Percy stopped the truck and, in response to his under-hand wave, Walo, with quick glances at the distant house, ran to the travellers.

“ You fight along Gaba?” asked Percy.

Valentine added, “Taubada and Sinabada all right?”

Walo answered in a frightened whisper: “Sedila, no time before Taubada Twisel tell me go walk about until sun go down. I too much fright. ‘‘Gibe” wailed Gaba-Lua, “Sina bada told me to leave clothes-wash and go, too. Now doors all shut and they no come on verandah two-three hours. Sorcerer make puri-puri sedila. .

“Seems serious”, muttered Percy.

Val Llk6 a suicide -P act ” murmured “All right, we go first; behind you two come’, shouted Percy to the nervous servants, as the truck jolted top speed to the house.

T"® m vestigators sprang out and steps to a wide verandah.

The double doors were closed and the startled friends stared at each other as moaning sounds oozed out. ntl p ,7, £ied to twist one handle and Val the other.

“Locked!” both shouted.

“Break in the door”, gasped Val, shoving with his shoulder. Percy put his foot against the lock and pushed. The crash of glass mingled with horrible gurgling, but the lounge was unoccupied and back doors closed. One to the right guarded the bedroom from which came sounds like puppies protesting at an interrupted drink.

Tr "We’je too late”, shrieked Percy.

Val lifted a leg and kicked into space, for the door opened suddenly from within and the swinging boot hit above the belt an emerging man with bulging cheeks and pink splashed lips.

A stately dame in blue dressing gown and pink-strewn chin sat glaring at the intruders.

“Can we help?” asked an anxious Percy. Twisel groaned and straight ened. Seizing a writing-pad from a table behind him, his eyes and hand roved in search of a pencil, while he began waving a smeared, sticky paper with only the word “Instructions” not obliterated.

Sinabada rose and grabbed the pad and a pen protruding from Percy’s pocket. She attempted to write but the pen was dry. Her gestured thoughts were submerged appropriately in pink. Then her hubby grasped a scarlet lipstick from a dressing-table and scrawled: “Dental Wax—won’t come out— sliding down!” Percy beamed com prehension, dashed through another door and back, cursed a locked kitchen, but waving a dinner-fork.

Val followed with a soup-ladle and ran to the lady who waved protests against insertion of the spoon end.

Val gallantly reversed the imple

(Continojd on page 110)

“Break in the door . . . "

Getting Fiji on Cinerama

It all looks natural when you see it at the theatre, no doubt—but these behind the scenes photographs show how it is done.

They were taken by PRO photographer Rob Wright recently while the Dudley Film Corporation team was getting Fiji on film for Cinerama audiences.

"Cinerama” is only a name in this part of the world. We know little about it except that it is the ultimate in motion picture making technique, and that there are only about 26 theatres in the entire glebe equipped to project it.

TOP PHOTO; The Governor of Fiji co-operated by inspecting his police for the benefit of the movie-makers. The well-groomed lawns of Government House grounds, Suva, and the harboir behind provide the setting for this shot.

CENTRE- Director Walter Thompson gives some directions to the firewalkers from the island of Beqa as they perform for the Cine rama camera. The firewalking performance was given in a section of Government House grounds.

LEFT- Preparing the bulky Cinerama camera for taking sequences of a Fijian meke (war-dance) at Mokani village, in Fiji.

ment. A shuffle behind and Percy’s “Sorry old man!” suggested that the wrong end of the fork had been used. Then two handles began levering out mushy pink wax.

What did not go over Twisel faces and garments was wiped on papers picturing toothsome movie stars.

Soon Mrs. Twisel was able to splutter: “Don’t waste that wax, we can freeze it in the Icyball.”

“Thanks for calling”, gurgled Twisel. “In two more minutes the whole lot would have got the im pression of my oesophagus.”

Gargling sounds followed the wide opening of mouths and clearing of throats.

Percy and Val, relaxed, suggested that Walo be found to boil water.

“All right, Gaba-Lua make fire quick time”, came a voice from out side a back window, as two faces fell from view.

“Were they watching all this?’ queried Twisel.

“They probably just saw the end”, said Val. “I’ll go and explain to them.”

“I savvy that fashion”, whispered Walo, suddenly appearing in the doorway, one hand holding a small ball of soft clay. “Why you not tell me first? This mura-mura is number-one old Papuan fashion to get toothmark, or no teeth, to know

against enemy man we let go”.

“Great Scotland Yard!” Percy ex claimed. “teethprint system before thumbs! Anyway thumbs came first, and stay put”.

“More better you make another”, Walo urged. “Soon you get teeth same as new baby.”

Twisel glared; his wife gasped: “How did he guess”?

“Perception in the primitive is keener than . . Val began.

Hi * * Some hours later, after clearing the dining table, Walo placed s plate of solid wax glistening in the acetylene light. “We get back from papers and put in icy-ball”, he ex plained proudly. “Now better you bite ’em before too hot.” (Over*

“I’m not going through that igain”, exclaimed Twisel. “Anyway, ;here’s not enough for two. You try t, Mum!”

“I got clay, too”, said Walo, “better rou mix ’em quick”.

“That’s an idea”, said Percy, enter ng into the spirit of the affair.

Let’s do it now and pack the im >ressions for the mail canoe to norrow. Then we can soon have a tanquet to welcome the flashing eeth!”

“OK. We’ll try it,” agreed Twisel.

I must admit I’m yearning to chew hip’s biscuit again”.

“To bite an apple is my great ope”, sighed his spouse.

“Taubada”, exclaimed Walo, re ntering with four small metal orseshoe shapes in one hand, More better you put mura-mura in hese before you bite ’em.”

“Where you catch these?” de landed Twisel.

“In fire, where you throw paper elong bokis belong mura-mura. Now think you wantem.”

“There you are again—scattering lings too quickly”, cried Mrs. Twisel, 1 knew something was missing, hat’s what the dental-wax should e in, before we put it in our louths.”

“Well, the instructions were axed,” Twisel moaned. “How was to know it came complete in ishes?”

We draw a veil. Why tell of the rguments, experiments, plasterings, isertions, ejections, amid gurglings, ispings and despair. By the en msiasm and encouragement of ercy & Val alone were some im ressions accomplished, and packed i cotton wool and cardboard. Next lorning the addressed packages ere taken to the coast and put in le district mail-bag.

Some weeks later, the Twisels in leir truck stopped at the District ffice to collect mail. The ARM was anding at the door. “My gun-boy lot a pig,” he proclaimed. “You mply must help me eat it. Come to le house now. The clerk will bring m mail. Apart from cheques and ceipts, it seems to have something i get your teeth into.”

“Thank goodness for that,” ex aimed Twisel. “But did you know e were expecting teeth?”

The Magistrate laughed. “I spoke ?uratively, but perhaps sub msciously. I often overhear my >y talking to himself. No secrets cape your cookhouse broadcasts, or ine, but I don’t intentionally tune A houseboy in a green rami waited i the verandah. “Put this mail . the guest-quarters,” the officer dered, “then three bottles and asses here. Gelema is away at nding his fifth grandparent’s irial,” he explained to his guests, nd I’ve borrowed Gulu, Macßack’s ok, from the gaol. He’s in for de mturing his mother-in-law.”

"Oh dear! did he use forceps?” ked Mrs. Twisel, sympathetically.

“No, just a club.”

Gulu caught the two toothless grins as he returned with the beer. , After the drink, and while they awaited dinner, the ARM suggested the Twisels rest in their rooms and ‘ enjoy their mail.”

The Twisels went, but ten minutes later Mr. Twisel returned, stuttering excitedly: “They’ve come! the top sets fit but the bottom ones won’t click. Neither of us can wear them.”

The Magistrate looked judicious.

“Possibly the sets got mixed,” he suggested.

“Help, I never thought of that!”

Twisel dashed back to the bedroom.

Gulu hung up a flashing

Blanchard lamp, and began setting the table.

Soon Twisel returned with a dazzling double-dentured smile “You were right,” he mumbled. “We swopped and all’s well, except for a sense of fullness before eating.”

Gulu, bending over a bowl of bananas, glanced up, then froze. His eyes protruded as if to follow the gleam. Lacking the English-butler instinct, he stared perplexedly while backing into the pantry.

Twisel, with jaws clacking, hurried out.

Gulu crept in with another issue of cutlery and glass.

“What for four places?” asked the ARM. (Over)

“I think brother belong Misi wisel come,” Gulu gasped.

Before the ARM could explain, t. Twisel was back again, with immy grin.

“Can’t use them now,” he ex [ained, “but Sinabada is risking ;rs.”

“Yes, I will,” exclaimed that lady, flowing her husband. A gong unded. The host bowed his guests their places. Twisel’s eyes and ims spread wide with pride in his Ouse’s scintillating smile.

As three bodies bent to their seats, fourth entered bearing a tray at fell amid crashing crockery and shrill scream.

The trio straightened to see brown ms and legs gyrating to the nearest >or with the refrain: “Me want ,ol . . . me go back gaol . . . me i. . .”

The ARM knew two vernaculars, it used three or four from the randah, and blew a whistle. Then 5 relaxed and laughed. “The rgeant has got him I’m sure, and 11 bring another cook, who is in r carving his uncle. Let’s sit and ioke until the pork comes.”

A brown stalwart in serge, with ree stripes on a sleeve, saluted the steps. “Macßack cook too ight,” he reported. “He hide in arder cell from spirit of mother -law. Warder is washing another ok for you.”

“Thank you. Carry on Sergeant; believe,” the ARM resumed, “in a tv decades fresh beef will be more sntiful than pork for all in this id —then teeth will be essential.”

“Walo’s impression mixture,” said r. Twisel, “is the best that my ntist has ever tested. Here’s his ;ter offering £5O for the formula! believe that in the beef era this ce will be making teeth even for mothers-in-law.”

There were prophets without nour among their own kin, even len Shubet reigned in the Land of pure.