This Made Me Laugh . . .

South Seas Wit and Humour Collected By "Pedele"

Part 11.

Letter to the Managing Director

A POLYNESIAN started in business in a little tin shed, and his business grew to such an extent that it was a common thing for the firm he bought supplies from to receive weekly orders of

£5Oo-£Looo.

His order was intermingled with his own personal letter to the Managing Director, and read like this:— Dear , By return ship please send me 10 cases kerosene. 10 cases meats, 1 lb. 10 cases meats, 2 lb.

Last week we had a big flood in this district, and 10 sks flour. 2 doz. hanging lamps.

Yesterday my wife had a little son, and 10 coils barbed wire.

By the way, last week you did not send the lamp glasses for the lamps I ordered and if you cannot attend to my orders properly and more carefully I’ll take my custom away. It’s not business, to say the least of it. 10 c/s salmon. 5 c/s fruit. 10 bags potatoes.

The fowls are laying good, so I’ll send some eggs next week. 15 c/s benzine. 10 bags onions, 6 btls God’s Liver Oil.

Your Loving Son.

P.S. Sorry—l found the lamp glasses.

Vegetarian Pig

AVERY large commercial concern was anxious to have a ship loaded quickly and offered the natives extra rations, besides overtime, if they would work at night.

The natives had a conference and de cided that they would all work but would prefer to have a pig given to them, as their reward, instead of extra tinned meat.

The following letter was therefore written by the “head boy” and presented to the management; “Dear Sir, —We are willing to work the extra hours at night to let the steamer leave quickly, but we don’t want extra meat. What we want is a pig, as we are very fond of this vegetable.

Yours faithfully, etc.

No Oblige

rpHE manager of an Islands establish- J. ment sent to the local hospital an open note to the doctor asking for some drugs. He concluded his note, “and oblige—yours faithfully, etc.”

A native clerk, educated at one of the native schools, was employed at the hos pital and in the absence of the medical officer he despatched the required drugs with this note; Dear Mr. , Herewith the medicine asked for and

we are sorry that there is no ‘oblige’ but there is some on order and will be here soon.”

A/c Rendered

ON out-stations in the Islands, Govern ment officers are of ten • called away, or go on tours, necessitating an absence from home for a week or so, and it is customary for the Police Force to supply a native police-boy to sleep on the premises as protection for the officer’s wife and family.

There is no charge made for this small service; but the officer usually sends along a £1 note, which is credited to a “Con stabulary Reward Fund” and on special holidays, such as King’s Birthday, Christ mas, New Year, etc., a portion of this fund is used to provide a feast for the Police and their families.

On one occasion an officer returned from a tour, and a week elapsed without the usual donation being sent along. So a native clerk sent him a reminder in the form of a small “a/c rendered.”

“To 1 Police Boy sleeping with vour wife for 1 week—£l.”

Fiji-Born

THE Government had called for appli cations for a certain position, and one applicant specially asked for an interview before writing out his applica tion. This was granted by the head of the Department in question.

At the interview, the applicant was asked what special qualifications he had for the vacancy, and he replied; “Why, sir. I’m a BP.”

The head said, “That is hardly a quali fication, is it?”

The applicant said: “I don’t mean what you do, sir, I mean that I’m ‘Born in Fiji.’ ”

"Close Up He Die"

A CLOSE friend of a couple living in the Islands was to give them a fare well dinner party prior to their re tirement to make their home in Aus tralia. He therefore told his cook-boy to kill one of the young sucking pigs.

It was known to the host, who kept pigs solely for supplying his fresh meat requirements, that one of his porkers was in ill-health and could not last very long, but he had given no thought to this when giving the cook his orders.

The dinner party was a huge success and the guests complimented the host on the excellence of his pork.

Two days later the cook-boy was asked if the sick pig was dead yet, and he re plied: “Oh, him—master, this fella me killim along party. No good ’e stop. He close up along die finish!”

Respecting the Cloth

THE Bishop had advised a Missionary, stationed on one of the outlying islands in the Solomons, that he pro posed to tour the various islands of his Diocese. In preparation, therefore, the Missionary decided to give the vicarage a coat of paint outside and in.

He employed the local painter who was a native adherent of the church, and told him of the Bishop’s proposed visit. At some time this native must have been in “civilisation,” for when he had completed

(Continued on page 58).

Bishops otSyf 4,16 insoription: “ FOT

His Discharge

DURING the influena epidemic in Fiii (1 ? 18 '? 19) the na tives died whole sale, due to the fact that they are usually terrified of the hospital and look upon it as a place where one is sent to . O* l ® of this writer’s messengers at tended the office running a nigh tempera ture but wouldn’t go to one of the many hospitals which had been established to cope with the epidemic, until forced to do so.

After three or four days, the messenger returned to his duties, much to my sur prise, and informed me that he had been discharged from the hospital. I knew this to be untrue as he still had a high temperature, so I threatened to have him sent back again. Then he informed me that he would go and get his “piece of paper” (discharge). He produced it—his temperature chart which he had taken before he walked out of hospital. He died a few days later.

Beer Not So Good

WHEN I was in the Solomons, I ex perienced a shortage of beer in my ice box, due to my house-boy being partial to a “cold one” every now and then. It was decided, therefore, to “doctor” a bottle. I drank some myself, then filled up the bottle with calomel and epsom salts, and re-sealed it.

It eventually disappeared—and so did my house-boy for a day or two. When he returned I inquired why he had not come to work, and his reply was, “Master, me been sick too much. Belly belong me walk all about along this two days.”

I asked him what made him so ill and he replied that he thought it was the hot weather.

I informed him I thought it was “cold beer too much,” and he laughed and said: “No more, master —me finish along bottle beer. He no good along boy.”

Thenceforth my beer stock remained intact and I was able to get a cold bottle when I wanted one.