This Made Me Laugh ...

South Seas Wit and Humour Collected By "Pedele"

Part 1

A Priceless Possession

A NATIVE from the Colo district of Fiji came on a visit to the capital city, Suva, and purchased an umbrella to take back to his district as one of his

treasured possessions.

He proceeded along the main street with it hanging on his arm, proud as the pro verbial dog with two tails: but, within a short time, it started to rain—and it can rain in the Islands! —so. rather than have the umbrella spoiled, he raced back to the store and requested that the umbrella be wrapped up.

Urgent Telegram

AN Indian Clerk of the Court in one of the districts in Fiji, was worried because of his wife’s infidelity. He finally asked the local Magistrate to have a word with her.

The Magistrate sent for the lady and pointed out that her husband was a very hard working man and provided her with the bread and butter. She must, he said, either abandon her new love, or come before the court for punishment.

The advice was taken, and she devoted her attentions to her legal spouse. All went well for three or four months. Then the Magistrate received notice of transfer.

The Indian clerk was downcast. His wife, he said, had been terrified of the Magis trate, but now that he was going to an other station, she would probably revert to her other love; and the new Magistrate might not take the same interest in the clerk’s domestic welfare.

The Magistrate said that if the wife played up, the Indian should advise him, and he would write to the new Magistrate asking him to assist.

On the Magistrate’s arrival at his new station he was handed the following “urgent” telegram: “My wife has run away with the other man. My God. I am annoyed.”

The Lost Rises A EUROPEAN trader of the Gilbert Islands had died and. as he was the only white man on the Island, the natives considered it right that he should have a “white man’s funeral, with a proper wooden coffin, and not be merely buried in a mat, as the natives al The burning question was how, in the absence of any timber, a coffin could be made. But they decided to knock some meat cases to pieces and from them make a coffin, as best they could. The coffin was made and the funeral was duly arranged. But before they had travelled any distance the bottom fell out of it and the corpse, also. ‘ The natives were unperturbed. They merely put the coffin—or what remained if if—down on the ground, sat on it, and laughed for some time, before they de cided to effect repairs and proceed with the last rites.

A Military Funeral

MANY years ago, in Suva, a European sergeant-major died during an operation and it was decided to bury him with full military honours. The Native Defence Force Band was m at tendance.

Everything was carried out in military style—up to a point.

When the band had completed its duties at the grave-side it returned along the

road playing the ditty: “If you want to find the sergeant-major, we know where he is.”

Court Procedure

ON one of the South Sea Islands, a man was charged with: 1. Being drunk and disorderly; 2. using obscene language; 3. obstructing the police.

The local butcher, as JP, sat on the Bench, and the following dialogue took P lace: T , . JP; Well, Bill, it’s sorry I am that I have to hear these charges against one of my friends; but the law must be carried out. How do you plead?

Bill- Well. Jim, I pleads guilty to all charges. It was like this: When I knocks off yesterday, I goes to the pub. I has a few and I doesn’t remember what hap pened after that.

JP; Well, Bill, I find you three pounds —lO - on each charge—that’s 30/—and 30 bob you owe me for meat!

Motor Cor of the Clouds

MANY years ago, a plane was flown from Australia, through New Guinea, to the Solomons. The Solomon Islanders had never seen such a thing; and they likened it to a launch—only “this fella he go along sky.” After it had landed and they had examined it they referred to it as, “Him, he motor car belong Jesus.”

The Garden of Eden

A SOLOMON ISLANDER, recruited long ago for the sugar plantations of Queensland, returned to his place of birth after completing his indenture, with strong religious inclinations. He finally became a native pastor. .

One Sunday he preached m Pidgin English on the story of the Garden of Eden. This is as near as I can remember 11 “Now, we want to talk along you fella along this big fella Master ’e sit on top Name belong ’im ’e God. E big fella too belong him ’e no got got conra ■ ’e got fruit, tha’s all. E got one fella man ’e work along this plantation but man ’e no work ’im good fella. Name belong ’im ’e Adam.

“Now God ’e scratch ’im head belong him and ’e talk all the same: ‘Me savvy this fella Adam ’e like one fella Mary.

“Now time belong Adam ’e sleep, this big fella Master take bone along leg be long Adam and ’e make ’im one fella Mary—name belong Mary ’e Eve.

“Now Adam ’e wake up. He look im this fella Mary; ’e like ’im too much Now this big fella Master ’e talk along Adam now Eve: ‘Altogether fruit belong this fella plantation belong you. This fella apple ’e belong me, that’s all. Maski you two fella kai-kai ’im. You savvy?

“One day Adam now Eve e work along garden. Eve ’e talk all the same: ‘What name this fella apple ’e tambu along me two fella? Me like kai-kai ’im too much.

Adam ’e talk: ‘You no hear ’im this big fella Master? ’E talk-talk this fella apple belong him that’s all!’ Eve etalk. ‘Alright, suppose you no can catch im apple along me, me finish along you!

“Now Adam ’e fright along lose im this fella Mary—’e like ’im too much—e go catch ’im one fella apple along Eve. Be hind, this big fella Master ’e come a ong plantation and ’e cross like hell along these two fella. ’E talk all the same.

‘Here you two fella—you get to hell along bush. Me finish altogether along you.’ ”

And that was how Adam and Eve were ejected from the Garden of Eden.

Coffee-a-la-Sox

OUT in the back blocks of some of the Solomon Islands it may be 6 months between visitors. So, naturally, when someone arrives, everything of the

'T'HE author, who was born and bred in A the South Seas, records here snippits of native wit and humour gleaned over 50 years in the Pacific. Some are well seasoned stories; but all will help to pass an odd moment of enjoyment.

best is produced and the visitor must dine with the lonely resident.

On one of these occasions coffee was part of the menu. It was the best coffee the host had had for many a long day.

So after the departure of his guests he sent for his houseboy and asked him why he didn’t always make coffee like that — without the dregs.

The houseboy told him. that he savied a new way—This time he had strained it “along sock—but master you no cross along me—he no, clean fella sock. Me catch ’im along dirty clothes bag!”

The Miracle

A SOLOMON ISLANDER was taken down to Sydney to look after the children of a couple spending their vacation there. One day he was sent up to the top of the street from where they had their flat, to the baker’s to get bread. Next door to the baker was a fish shop. , After half an hour had passed the couple became anxious for the native boy’s safety as he had never been out of the Solomons before. The “master” therefore went out to look for him. He found him with the loaf ot bread look ing into the fish-shop window, then go ing out into the street and looking sky wards, then back again at the fish-shop window. , .

The “master” spoke very sharply to him about being so long away whilst they were waiting for the bread. The native boy replied: “Master, what name this fella some thing? Me no savvy. Flurry ram inside along store, no plurry rain outside along road!”

The water running down the fish-shop window had had him puzzled.

Boy Belong BP

AMISSIONARY tourist went ashore at one of the Islands in the Solomons and took with him a number of tracts to distribute among the natives.

But he was not aware that the Solomon Islander is very timid and afraid of strangers, and that when they saw him they had cleared for the bush. But on his way back to the ship the missionary met Whisky, the Head Boat Boy who usually goes around with the ship. The missionary, not knowing he was part and parcel of the ship’s working cargo, there upon asked him if he “Belong Jesus and “Whisky” (who acquired his name for obvious reasons) replied to the reverend gentleman: “No got! Me belong to BPs!

The Danish vessel “Albatros” was re ported at Taiohae, Marquesas Islands, in October. The ship, which is on a scientific expedition, was expected in Papeete early in November.

An All-Fijian cricket team will tour New Zealand this season. The team will leave Fiji early in February by plane, * * * Of the 26 positions advertised in the Pa p u a-N e w Guinea “Government Gazette” of October 1, ranging from £642-£B5B per annum, 20 are for Inspectors (2nd Division) in the Department of Native Labour, salary £642-£714.