Notes on the Probable Effects of Turning

the Solomons Into American Territory

By G. J. Mackay

An American Admiral, in a U.S.A. naval journal, suggested the handing-over of the Solomon Islands to U.S.A. as part-payment of war-debts —but Prime Minister Ramsay MacDonald said, “Nay, mon!”

Mr. MacKay spent four years in California after living three years in the Solomons. He now sends us the following article from British Columbia.

IMAGINE Tulagi as the dead-spit of Honolulu, and a grinning Japanese pushing his hot narli-nut cart along Marmalade Avenue with the cry of “Narli-nuts all hot-cha!” Take comfort in the civilised appearance of overhead wires enmeshing Chinatown, for every Chinese-American is a ’phone addict.

Listen to the never-ceasing clang of tramcar bells! How convenient to have trams circling Tulagi, starting from the Mendana Statue (outside the Treasury), climbing past cement houses to the Governor’s Palace on top, down the hill to the police campus baseball-diamond, through a new and populous Japanese settlement and around to the skyscrapers of Chinatown by way of Ellisville bath ing-beach resort!

The Post Office exterior would be or namented with an inlaid m.o.p. shoeshine throne and a “long” (?) pig sandwich stand. Wearing turtle-shell goggles and ice-cream tuxedos, San Francisco Orien tals of the “make-it-snappy” blend would speed up the Ambassador’s, adding thereto an “honest-to-goodness” Coconut Grove.

For the benefit of gobs stationed at Hyman Point Naval Barracks, the Hill side Hotel would present an all-night cabaret of Makira tap-dancers. Bromo seltzer would be on tap at a “We Never Close” drug store—breakfast really be ing the specialty here. In the hotel annex barber-shop your Melanesian dude could get his frizzy golliwog slicked back for a dollar, the mezzanine-floor mani curists filing his nails for half a buck.

Then he’d hie to the news-stand to pur chase cigars and copies of “P.I.M..”

“American Planters’ Gazette” and “Man grove Skippers’ Daily.” Next he’d take the nickel hydroplane-ferry to Makambo and play skittles in the Y.M.C.A. bowl ing-alley. Maybe he’d stay on the plane ferry and call on the girl-friend in Bun gana Y.W.C.A. An alternative would be to visit the Religious Revivalists’ Hall, located by the Americans on Gavutu-for the reason that an American obser ver, Jack London, does not speak highly of that place in his reports.

The Salvation Army would be stationed at Tulagi, so as to have a big brass band handy on Tulagi Pier to welcome liner tourists with the haunting theme-song of the islands, “Sorrowful Isles,” speci ally composed by the Queen of Santiana, vice-president of the Solomons Women’s Club, whose members would train slen der Gela ladies of Florida (S’mons, not U.S.A.) as “official greeters” to garland all tourists and “front page” visitors with leis of copra and ivory-nuts.

In good American style, Savo Spring Water (trade-named “Nulla-Nulla” by the Chamber of Commerce) would be quaffed from Mandoliana clam-shells at the soda-fountains of No. 1 and No. 2 Chain Stores, where one could purchase souvenirs like the megapode, balloon-frog and giant-rat.

In order to enable Malaita hoodlums to join the Gangsters’ Union, a racketeer branch of Chicago local No. 1 would be established at Diamond Bay—and to be right on the scene of action for 100 per cent, thrills, Maramasike, Malaita, would be the locale of numerous motion-picture studios.

The broadcasting-station would be set up on the weather side of Guadalcanal.

The crooning of love-sick cannibals would subjugate the female universe (increas ing tourist traffic to Mala). Boy-oh-boy, can’t those cannibals croon—and how!

Everyone would sure go plumb crazy over that weird negro spiritual, “Solomon Devi,” when chanted by the Roviana Darktown Chorus.

American politicians would have all copra dried by hot-air, which they’d donate to planters in unlimited quan tities. They’d give frequent “pep-talks” at Lord Howe, Siota, Sikiana and Fula kora, so as to stimulate public interest in King Solomon’s Mines.

It would be good-bye to beche-de-mer talk —farewell to pidgin-English. Im ported instructors would educate Solo mon Islanders (of all colours) in modern English—“hornswoggle” replacing the word “gammon,” “flop” in lieu of “buckle up,” “kibitzer” traded for “stickybeak,”

“top-notcher” for “good-feller-too-much,”

“yep” for “yis,” “cap” for “master,” “pie eyed” for “shickered,” and “scram!” for “butter-off!” The expression “No savvy,” to the joy of planters, traders and recruiters would be tamhu by law, there being no American equivalent for “No savvy.”

Trade with the natives would be liv ened up. A movie-show on every island in the Group would advertise U.S.A. products to one-time “lava-lava’d” coons through the medium of “horse-operas,”

“s.a. triangles” and similar “educational” pictures. The Marys, aping American ladies of colour, would invest in Aus tralian rabbit-fur coats in both seasons, S.E. and N.W. Village beauty-salons, specialising in “reducing,” would line up queues of patronesses—black, brown, chocolate and maroon. To be up-to-the minute the boys would want to be flash and wear brown shoes with knobby toes (size 13). Pants-pressing parlours in every native village would hasten the “Trousers and Respectability” move ment.

One great advantage in trade would be the development of the chewing-gum in dustry. As every island-man knows, betel-nut chewing is no good to the trader. The Americans, therefore, would stop the chewing of betel-nut by legis lation in order to encourage the chewing gum trade.

In their native territories the Ameri cans endeavour to abolish the native “musical” instrument. No longer would one hear the plaintive note of the reed or the bang-bang-bang of the tree-drum.

The saxophone would be heard a’nights wailing down in the labour-huts. And big business would be effected in “har monicas” (mouth-organs to you) and “ukes” (small steel guitars likewise to you).

Britain pioneered the Islands with a tin-opener. Australia civilised the scene

with a bottle-opener. The U.S.A. will Americanise the South Seas with a gad get that will be a combination of bottle and can-opener, nut-cracker and cigar lighter.

And talking of cigars, a better money circulating system would be in vogue h the Islands, for the cigar would replace the present-day “stick.” The cigar wouldn’t last long in the way of hand ling, and would have to be smoked or disintegrate; then the native would have to buy another. The disadvantage of the stick of tobacco is that it is made to last a long time. This is contrary to all American business laws. They make a thing quick, to be sold quick, and con sumed quick.